Nostalgia

Anticipation is building ahead of the Coventry half-marathon on May 23, which will signal the end to my running for this season. Thereafter, I will confine myself to gentle pleasure runs and use the time to address some underlying issues., such as my running gait and upper body strength. I've also signed up for the Oxford Town&Gown 10k, this coming Sunday, most of which will cover my training route. I'm feeling fresh enough, although my body may well cave at any moment.

It is strange then that my mind is consumed with poignant thoughts of a more optimistic time. This bizarre turn of events in my head was triggered on Tuesday night, following victory at the university Pool tournament. The St Anne's college team has been on a journey for four years; starting in the depths of the fourth division and rising to the summit last year, finishing 3rd in the top flight. The real glory lies with Cuppers though; the World Cup of Oxford University Pool. Following a devastating defeat in last year's quarter finals, under my captaincy, this year really was our last chance saloon, since all but two of the original eight man squad will no longer be at St Anne's next year. With the departure of my doubles partner Ed, our best player and only Cuppers winner (a mixed doubles champion), expectations were tempered, yet we eased our way to through the group stages as top seeds.

After a solid run to the semis, we hosted the unbeaten favourites, St Johns, and came through a tense 7-5 battle. In the final on Tuesday we faced our conquerors Keble from last year and avenged our bitter defeat, clinching a 7-5 win to take the honours. I won Varsity recently but it simply did not compare to this moment. All our hard work and passion came down to this one, final chance, and boy did we grab it with both hands.

After the initial euphoria died down, I dreamt a dream of times gone by. I realised this was my final great Pool moment, and there have been may of them, for the joy of playing with such a wonderful and talented group of people can not be matched. I've had my time, and what a great time, but now I must move on. My future Pool career is plunged in doubt, but for now I've signed off in true style with my first winner's trophy.

On Wednesday I hosted the annual St Anne's Mathematics dinner, introducing the guest speaker Hiten Patel. A colleague of mine during our undergraduate days with whom I have formed a fond friendship over the years. His spirit and energy during the evening, in both his talk and the dinner, reminded me of those glory years of my undergraduate days where I was full of love and passion for my subject, whilst being surrounded by some of my closest friends.

Great days indeed, and I will never reach those heights in Oxford again. With my zest for the subject waning and my passions diverted elsewhere to running, Pool and whatever else, I feel I am unable to fulfill whatever potential I have in my current role. Teaching will always offer a profound sense of accomplishment and the PhD itself will prove a defining achievement if I ever complete it, but my approach is nothing more than graft at this stage. I yearn for the fire to burn within me once more, a fire that running has kept alight but which needs re-igniting with a major attitude shift. I must accept that I need to get out and re-define my goals, as I do not belong in the academic world.

To answer the frequently posed question, I have little to no idea where to go beyond Oxford. This place is all I've known for the last seven years and I need more reflection before I commit to a lifelong career. I refuse to submit to a generic role. There are certain goals I will not back down on, like raising the ambition of the youth, and any career I settle on must leave scope for me to do this. If that means it takes a little longer or some creative thinking to get there so be it. I'm all about the flair.

For now, I'll content myself with the 10k on Sunday. With the absence of music (no iPods etc allowed!) it may not be my most joyous run, but a sub 45 minute excursion will make the medal feel well deserved.